Thursday, January 16, 2014

Elise's Thoughts on Her Final Semester: A Follow Up to Her Thoughts on Senior Year

A picture of school just felt really right. Source.

I didn't think I'd be this sad. Or scared.

I'm a mere months a way from a day I've been waiting for since I was a little kid. I looked forward to graduating college and building my career, and now that I'm so close to having what I wanted, I feel strange and empty. I expected to be happy, to be relieved. It's been a tumultuous four years for me for reasons I prefer not to share here.

A few months ago I felt so ready. I was strong and prepared to take on the world. I was also in a different city, skipping some school to finish out the intern life. I felt so happy and so ambitious. Since then the sparkle in my eyes has dulled a bit, faded into an anxiety induced deadness that I'm really working on shaking.

This time one year ago I knew where I would be. In school. This time next year, will I have a job? What city will I be living in? Will I make new friends? Keep the old ones? Will my work be fulfilling? Will the sparkle, the inspiration, return? Will everything up to this point be worth it or will I have done everything in vain?

I always try to keep it real with you, but I tend to err on the side of bubblegum and sweetness. So here's the truth: I'm really afraid to leave the comfort zone that is school. It's all so familiar to me, and as much as I always crave change I'm afraid to let this chapter in my life close because success isn't certain, even if I put my blood, sweat and tears into my work. It just never is.

At this moment, I'm not ready for this to be my last semester. Hopefully by April I will be.

To anyone who is also in this place, I understand. To anyone who has been there, I hope you have some sage words for me because I'd be oh-so grateful.


No comments:

Post a Comment